SLEEP, AT LAST

I've always felt that I lacked sleep. I've been falling asleep whenever I'm hanging out with friends, and constantly feeling the guilt for it. But what started as an episodic cat nap yesterday turned into a trilogy of epic...well, sleep.

For the next 14 hours, I dreamed of reading a book in a small town ice cream parlor. Got recruited by some undergraduate film students to narrate for their project. Got stuck in the parlor's bathroom stall. Walked with a friend for miles to his aunt's house, carrying too many of my purses and his duffel bags. Went hiking and camping with all of my friends. Watched a bunch of neurotic high school students cause an uprising in their prep institute by opening classroom doors and screaming carpe diem themed lines. It inspired me to dress as a zombie pirate to yet another Pirates of the Caribbean screening, and my friends followed suit. I spent the day lounging out in a pool with my little brothers and a few friends. One of them ordered Italian food and I opted for the caprice salad.

I remember everything. It was a grand adventure, far different than the usual, abrupt scenes of confusion and bloody murder. I always seem to dream about questionable things and wake up feeling lost or worried. It spills over to my waking life and haunts me throughout the day. Because of it, I find it in me to constantly question the intentions of others. This long, dragged out dream of ice cream, film projects, friends, walks, sunsets, camping, family, carpe diem and even my goddamn caprice salad all made up for the countless nights of incomplete sleep, waking up before my alarm or just feeling that something is amiss.

My boyfriend would always tell me about his dreams, all drawn-out tales of post-apocalyptic action-packed adventures with his friends and his favorite older brother in tow. He'd fight dragons, robots, zombies and men who were out to court me. His dreams would take place in castles, baron lands, or even outer space. They were spectacular and easy to envy. So while I was left with a snippet or a few scenes to sum up the totality of my night's sleep, he recalls his slumber in crisp, high definition detail.

I feel as though I was finally given a chance to experience something good, and different, at best. Although it doesn't lie in the same sci-fi realm as my boyfriend's, it's a start. It might not be a noteworthy experience to some, but it is to me. It's about fucking time.

THINKING

At the OC Fair with empty wallets.

It's been a while since I've written. So I'll start this post with a dapper photograph of a group of people in their twenty-somethings standing in front of a large, wide-ranged ferris wheel. Just a group of toothy smiles, arms around shoulders, and girly lean-in/lean-back poses. What you wouldn't see here are the two black guys who were obviously in a relationship and oblivious to their surroundings. It took a while for us to lean over to the right so they wouldn't be included in this gem.

I'm running on two hours of sleep because I had a night's worth of teeth pain from a prescribed gel. Thanks, dentist. Should've known you weren't a real doc. I kid. He's a kind, Korean seoul. Only when I did doze off for those two precious hours did I have the worst nightmares.

I shook myself awake in a small, muffled cry and my boyfriend wraps his arms around me. "Don't worry...I'm here." I opened my eyes in the dark, and without turning, replied, "But my nightmares were about you." I smiled as he apologized.

I've been feeling at ease lately. It usually happens when I compare today to the same day one year ago, and also a year before that. I've improved quite drastically since last year. A year ago today, I was living in an over-priced apartment complex with too many amenities no one had much use for. I was working in an office to contribute solely to my savings, but not so much my character. And I was a day away from breaking it off with a temperamental and emotionally unstable ex. My skin condition, one that I've been struggling with for about 7 years to that date last year, was in a full blown outbreak. And I was unhappy about a lot of things. Waking up feeling guilty, like I was disappointing someone out there, at any given time.

I think back to the present date and think of where I'm living. My rent's been reduced by about 50% since that luxuriously unnecessary sublet. I work on my own doing graphics with a regular 8 to 5 schedule, getting paid as a freelancer. I'm in a wonderful relationship with someone I plan on spending the rest of my life with. And my skin is doing absolutely swell. No outbreaks since the year prior. I'm making it a weekly habit of spending some time with friends, trying to find a workable balance between obligations and spontaneity. And I've dropped that concern for the invisible nobody who I seem to work for every day to impress. Life is easier. Better. There are more possibilities and everything that is supposed to come is approaching rapidly. Like an express train running late.

It's kind of strange to see what drives people. I look at some of my friends, and see that many of them are not looking to settle down anytime soon. This is myself included, for at least another 5 years. By that, I mean I'm not really looking to pop out any kids and adorn myself with guilty pleasures while I'm on maternity leave. I'm not planning on resorting to daytime TV to curb my boredom. I don't want to purchase real estate just yet. On my phone, I have a list on my Notes app. It reads "Goals for 2013." I've got 8 things on that list, and I've accomplished 5 of them already. 3 of which I cannot, as they were dependent on a path that I have not gone down.

There are times when I sit back and think to myself that this is some of the best times for me. I'm young, there are still possibilities, and I haven't made any concrete decisions that I will have to stick to for the rest of my life.

Are you doing what you want? If not, can you change it? I always try and devise a plan for little things I contemplate on doing. They're usually monumentally life-changing, but I play with the idea and begin to construct a possible strategy. There's always a path to it. It just takes some adjustment to make it seem more possible.

I'm getting too preachy here for my own good. It's just a moment of reflection. I'm sure I'll get sarcastic and dry-witted sometime between now and the next time I come back to write and ramble.

Until then, find whatever it is that you're looking for.

ABSO. LUTELY

I think it was a good decision to observe the majority of semi-special holidays on Mondays. Makes people want to kill themselves a little less. America sleeps in, and the streets are clear of road rage. Free of another day wasted sitting in front of the computer, pretending to work. Consider Sunday nights less of a countdown to another week of monotony with Monday holidays.

This weekend was full of dreams that I actively enjoyed being in. My sleep was simply impeccable.

I got promoted from set PA to 2nd AD some time in the morning before the sun even came out. I never spent so much time with strangers, working alongside one another like we know each other's mom's and shit.

Thought I'd humanize and write about my normal life in vague statements so that you could get an idea as to where I'm at, but not enough to sink my battleship.