MINDSET RADIO

Life has been moving consistently uphill for me lately. Granted, I have grown into accrediting myself for the hard work I've put in. I used to be harder on myself. But now, I leave it to no one to either scold or acknowledge me for my thoughts and actions.

Personally, I think it's a great improvement. I was a sponge, completely empty of opinions and emotions that could withstand the tides of others' and their effect on me. Instead, I absorbed them from people around me or the environment I'm in. That makes me seem like an absolute tool bag. No no, a sponge. But I did have a mind of my own. It was just figuratively a lot harder to talk over the loudness around me.

And does this new change make me care less about the wellbeing of others? Well, yes and no. On one hand, I could care less about making an impression and bending or flexing to fit a mold. It can make me come across as sarcastic or standoffish. At this point, I don't even know if standoffish is a word. But bear with me. But on another hand, it helps me filter out all the little things that I shouldn't really be concerned with. And this clears my mind to care about the bigger scheme of things. If you're a friend or family member I care very much for, and you're healthy and alive, then I leave it to you to worry or work on any other problems in your life because that's what I'm doing with my own. It really eases my stress level and reminds me that I cannot control the water around me. Just my itty, bitty ship in this big, blue sea.

Because of this, I have pulled a lot of worry weeds planted in the back of my head and began investing in valuing things that will matter to me in, say, a year. Or two.

Side note, though:

Someone had stolen a pair of jeans, a couple of leggings, and a few pairs of underwear from my laundry while it was drying yesterday evening. I saw my upstairs neighbor standing outside as I left my clothes to dry in the laundry facility. He was smoking by the no-smoking sign and watching me.

Sure, I've nonchalantly filed a noise complaint before. But living below three adults, three children, and a small dog crammed into a 2-bedroom apartment does often sound like I'm living below a bowling alley. Or a haunted unit where disturbed souls go to open and close sliding closet doors. Or kids throwing each other off their bunk beds. Whatever it is, it's loud. And I can't help but invent a device that sends a seismic pulse mimicking a 6.0-8.0 earthquake to centralize only in their apartment when I hear them.

Let your problems unfurl, guys. I've already ordered replacement clothes online, for what I can recall missing. Of course, that's me connecting the theft to them. But it's just me playing with stories in my head. I'm not too mad. I know I'm not going to be here for long. And (applying my change of thinking) I'm probably not going to remember my missing clothes a year from now. I am, however, a bit perturbed on the whereabouts of my underwear.

(End side note.)

I used to get more bummed out than I should on Sundays. "I have to go back to work tomorrow." "What did I do this whole weekend?" "Did I waste it away, yet again?" Those thoughts no longer arise as I realized that I enjoy my job and I enjoyed my weekend. Every single bit of it.

Now to make myself a mimosa or something...

ON REPEAT

Doing a little experiment on myself.

Gonna write some things down, stop when I've hit a brick wall, then drink. Anything I write after I drink is under the "Not Sober" section.

Sober:

Wish there was a monetary incentive for getting your taxes done early. The sooner, the higher the compensation. I'm sure there'd still be stragglers.

Every year, I try to squeeze every dollar back from both federal and state. As the imaginary coins jingle and jangle in their pockets, I shake harder. I could have sworn there was more deducted from me last year than what I got back. Touche, government.

Money rants aside, I recently came across a blog of someone I know. It was filled with long words that made little sense put together. The thesaurus was her bible, but her understanding of it was quite limited. And I get it, I get it. She was just trying to seem mysterious and philosophical. All I got from reading it was grayscale pictures of household items and a try-too-hipster vibe. And I've got nothing against her - nothing! College and exotic-looking friends will do that to people. Well, it did something to her.

Not Sober:

Shit talking aside, I didn't really mean to shit talk. But I have a feeling I'm going to. I'm not even in a bad mood or anything. I mean, what I really want to do right now is make a fruit smoothie and mix little EDT tracks on my iPhone with the volume on blast.

My mind wanders...

I always feel primitive when I'm scratching my head. How can you look smart scratching your head? We've familiarized ourselves with the notion that scratching one's head is symbol for stupidity or dull thinking. But you know what? My head was itchy.

THINKING

At the OC Fair with empty wallets.

It's been a while since I've written. So I'll start this post with a dapper photograph of a group of people in their twenty-somethings standing in front of a large, wide-ranged ferris wheel. Just a group of toothy smiles, arms around shoulders, and girly lean-in/lean-back poses. What you wouldn't see here are the two black guys who were obviously in a relationship and oblivious to their surroundings. It took a while for us to lean over to the right so they wouldn't be included in this gem.

I'm running on two hours of sleep because I had a night's worth of teeth pain from a prescribed gel. Thanks, dentist. Should've known you weren't a real doc. I kid. He's a kind, Korean seoul. Only when I did doze off for those two precious hours did I have the worst nightmares.

I shook myself awake in a small, muffled cry and my boyfriend wraps his arms around me. "Don't worry...I'm here." I opened my eyes in the dark, and without turning, replied, "But my nightmares were about you." I smiled as he apologized.

I've been feeling at ease lately. It usually happens when I compare today to the same day one year ago, and also a year before that. I've improved quite drastically since last year. A year ago today, I was living in an over-priced apartment complex with too many amenities no one had much use for. I was working in an office to contribute solely to my savings, but not so much my character. And I was a day away from breaking it off with a temperamental and emotionally unstable ex. My skin condition, one that I've been struggling with for about 7 years to that date last year, was in a full blown outbreak. And I was unhappy about a lot of things. Waking up feeling guilty, like I was disappointing someone out there, at any given time.

I think back to the present date and think of where I'm living. My rent's been reduced by about 50% since that luxuriously unnecessary sublet. I work on my own doing graphics with a regular 8 to 5 schedule, getting paid as a freelancer. I'm in a wonderful relationship with someone I plan on spending the rest of my life with. And my skin is doing absolutely swell. No outbreaks since the year prior. I'm making it a weekly habit of spending some time with friends, trying to find a workable balance between obligations and spontaneity. And I've dropped that concern for the invisible nobody who I seem to work for every day to impress. Life is easier. Better. There are more possibilities and everything that is supposed to come is approaching rapidly. Like an express train running late.

It's kind of strange to see what drives people. I look at some of my friends, and see that many of them are not looking to settle down anytime soon. This is myself included, for at least another 5 years. By that, I mean I'm not really looking to pop out any kids and adorn myself with guilty pleasures while I'm on maternity leave. I'm not planning on resorting to daytime TV to curb my boredom. I don't want to purchase real estate just yet. On my phone, I have a list on my Notes app. It reads "Goals for 2013." I've got 8 things on that list, and I've accomplished 5 of them already. 3 of which I cannot, as they were dependent on a path that I have not gone down.

There are times when I sit back and think to myself that this is some of the best times for me. I'm young, there are still possibilities, and I haven't made any concrete decisions that I will have to stick to for the rest of my life.

Are you doing what you want? If not, can you change it? I always try and devise a plan for little things I contemplate on doing. They're usually monumentally life-changing, but I play with the idea and begin to construct a possible strategy. There's always a path to it. It just takes some adjustment to make it seem more possible.

I'm getting too preachy here for my own good. It's just a moment of reflection. I'm sure I'll get sarcastic and dry-witted sometime between now and the next time I come back to write and ramble.

Until then, find whatever it is that you're looking for.